I wana kill myself pt 3: redundant
Sigh..... No summary of what happened in the past 2 days. That's not important now...
I sent this out to a friend of min e a while ago....
"又没人爱我了: ( 这没人爱， 没人理的感觉真的很不好受。到底在这世上有人真的爱我吗？I feel so unwanted and extra. The world still spins but spinning without me. "
You see, I got some serious problem that has been cultivated into me for a very long time. I seriously can't rememebr when it started but all that I can remamber was that from a young age, I had this feeling that no one is interested in me or any of my opinions or thoughts, it's just like I don't matter simply because in their (the rest of the world) eyes I am non-existant. In the midst of describing something or commenting on something and the person's or the people attention draw away in dis-interest, it really hurts. This explains why sometimes when I were to say something I will just stop halfway or guadually lower my volume till I am no longer speaking anymore because no one is listening, so why continue? That is truly and solely the reason why I still keep very much to myself till this day, having very little friends here and there. Because of this overall feeling that people give me in general, I often felt that if I were wearing some light coloured clothes, I could very well camoflouge into the background and become non-existant...or actually, I guess I am non-existant most of the time already, maybe I don't even need those clothes, I am the extra.
Because of this mentality and the real situations, I am often alone and to compensate my loneliness I often engage myself in lenghty conversations, sometimes philosophical ones and when I try to share my thoughts...sorry, no one in my age could relate to it or am interested in it. All the more, I felt outcast. Conclusion....I am often filled with thoughts, ideas, opinions etc but I keep it to myself cause I don't believe that anybody will be interested. And it is precisely because I turn out to be like that that started an unhappy episode. When we argue, I couldn't say much because it was all stuck in my mind and not coming but as I seldom have the practise of verbelising my thoughts or feelings out. And that makes it all a more bad episode and really painful for me.
You see, the thing is I can't say what the epsiode was or who was involved because I seriously can't. That's why I post this post. I can't tell anyone or go to anyone when I am sad in this matter or any other matter and it certainly adds more so to the pain. It is just like that and I can't chage this part of the story. I just needed to let it out.
Please never mention this to anyone or bring it up in our conversations. Most of the things on this blog are not for discussion no matter what they are. If you read it, please just keep it to yourself. No one else needs to know this through a third party but through this page of the storyteller, the story of me that is.
I sent this out to a friend of min e a while ago....
"又没人爱我了: ( 这没人爱， 没人理的感觉真的很不好受。到底在这世上有人真的爱我吗？I feel so unwanted and extra. The world still spins but spinning without me. "
You see, I got some serious problem that has been cultivated into me for a very long time. I seriously can't rememebr when it started but all that I can remamber was that from a young age, I had this feeling that no one is interested in me or any of my opinions or thoughts, it's just like I don't matter simply because in their (the rest of the world) eyes I am non-existant. In the midst of describing something or commenting on something and the person's or the people attention draw away in dis-interest, it really hurts. This explains why sometimes when I were to say something I will just stop halfway or guadually lower my volume till I am no longer speaking anymore because no one is listening, so why continue? That is truly and solely the reason why I still keep very much to myself till this day, having very little friends here and there. Because of this overall feeling that people give me in general, I often felt that if I were wearing some light coloured clothes, I could very well camoflouge into the background and become non-existant...or actually, I guess I am non-existant most of the time already, maybe I don't even need those clothes, I am the extra.
Because of this mentality and the real situations, I am often alone and to compensate my loneliness I often engage myself in lenghty conversations, sometimes philosophical ones and when I try to share my thoughts...sorry, no one in my age could relate to it or am interested in it. All the more, I felt outcast. Conclusion....I am often filled with thoughts, ideas, opinions etc but I keep it to myself cause I don't believe that anybody will be interested. And it is precisely because I turn out to be like that that started an unhappy episode. When we argue, I couldn't say much because it was all stuck in my mind and not coming but as I seldom have the practise of verbelising my thoughts or feelings out. And that makes it all a more bad episode and really painful for me.
You see, the thing is I can't say what the epsiode was or who was involved because I seriously can't. That's why I post this post. I can't tell anyone or go to anyone when I am sad in this matter or any other matter and it certainly adds more so to the pain. It is just like that and I can't chage this part of the story. I just needed to let it out.
Please never mention this to anyone or bring it up in our conversations. Most of the things on this blog are not for discussion no matter what they are. If you read it, please just keep it to yourself. No one else needs to know this through a third party but through this page of the storyteller, the story of me that is.
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